Frankie Joe Smith
Born 4th December 2009
@ 12:14
My beautiful boy.
My sunshine, the brightness to any dark day, and there are some, there are often many.
Frankie was born 4 weeks early, after a normal healthy, nothing to serious pregnancy (we all get the usual sickness/tiredness)
On the morning of the 4th December i felt great, better than i had done in weeks, being 8months pregnant, i felt fat and uncomfortable as many other do and i was more than read for my little man to join us in the world, however i never expected him to arrive so soon.
As i walked downstairs my waters started to go, now i don't know about you, but i expected a massive 'wosh' and my belly to go flat, but no they dripped, like a tap not turned off properly! As i had read i hopped into the bath, hoping to relax, you know as thats what people do don't they? It was then i noticed my tummy was flat, being my first pregnancy and not sure on the whole labour thing i booked an appointment to see my doctor. Before leaving my house to go to the doctors i felt a strange feeling, like i had given birth to a foot, arriving at the doctors i found out this wasn't a foot, it was a cord, a cord being pressed down on by my sons head, cutting off his oxygen supply, this day, the day that started of so exciting i now wanted to end, the doctors called for an ambulance and i was to be taken for an emergency c section straight away, at this moment i never knew what a 'cord prolapse' was, now i live it every day, well at least the effects of it. Waiting for the ambulance time seemed to pass so slowly, as time passed all i could think if was why was this happening? Now i am not one of those people that think "did i do anything wrong?" i know i didn't, i was careful, nor did i drink/smoke. i thank god to this day i know i didn't do anything wrong as what i have experienced this past 3 years, i know i couldn't have lived with myself knowing it was my fault. The ambulance finally arrived, finally i was ready to go, ready to have my baby operated out of me, fear that he wouldn't have survived, hope that he would be ok. Travelling to the hospital all i could think about was 'cant we go faster' it was snowing, just my luck, you will work out though my blog i am a very unlucky person, i don't know what it is about me, if it can go wrong, it will, its mainly the small things but still, sometimes the small things are the worst.
Making it through the snow we finally arrived at the hospital, being wheeled through past the shop and cafe was not one of my finest hours, i had a man trying to keep my sons head off his cord (i can only imagine what that may have looked like to people)
As i walked downstairs my waters started to go, now i don't know about you, but i expected a massive 'wosh' and my belly to go flat, but no they dripped, like a tap not turned off properly! As i had read i hopped into the bath, hoping to relax, you know as thats what people do don't they? It was then i noticed my tummy was flat, being my first pregnancy and not sure on the whole labour thing i booked an appointment to see my doctor. Before leaving my house to go to the doctors i felt a strange feeling, like i had given birth to a foot, arriving at the doctors i found out this wasn't a foot, it was a cord, a cord being pressed down on by my sons head, cutting off his oxygen supply, this day, the day that started of so exciting i now wanted to end, the doctors called for an ambulance and i was to be taken for an emergency c section straight away, at this moment i never knew what a 'cord prolapse' was, now i live it every day, well at least the effects of it. Waiting for the ambulance time seemed to pass so slowly, as time passed all i could think if was why was this happening? Now i am not one of those people that think "did i do anything wrong?" i know i didn't, i was careful, nor did i drink/smoke. i thank god to this day i know i didn't do anything wrong as what i have experienced this past 3 years, i know i couldn't have lived with myself knowing it was my fault. The ambulance finally arrived, finally i was ready to go, ready to have my baby operated out of me, fear that he wouldn't have survived, hope that he would be ok. Travelling to the hospital all i could think about was 'cant we go faster' it was snowing, just my luck, you will work out though my blog i am a very unlucky person, i don't know what it is about me, if it can go wrong, it will, its mainly the small things but still, sometimes the small things are the worst.
Making it through the snow we finally arrived at the hospital, being wheeled through past the shop and cafe was not one of my finest hours, i had a man trying to keep my sons head off his cord (i can only imagine what that may have looked like to people)
Going into the lift a old woman said to me "Oh your having your baby, best of luck" those word and her voice will never leave me, i just couldn't say anything, i just smiled and hoped that was enough, after all, it was all i could manage.
Going into theatre with all those people in there petrified me, i wondered why so many people needed to be there, for one baby, now i know and coudldnt be more thankful. being put to sleep was terrifying, but it was over fast, 1, 2, 3, 4, and i was alseep. I slept, i slept for what seemed like and eternity, i havent had many anaesthetics so i wasnt sure how i would be effected, but as i woke, i woke alone, in a large room, with lots of machines, i wanted to move, but i couldn't, fear, pain, loneliness overwhelmed me.
For a moment i forgot who i was, where i was, why i was there, that i had a baby, that i had even been pregnant, that untill i was bought a photo, a photo of my son, my beautiful boy, covered in marks and scratches, wires and tubes, but he was still beautiful, oh so beautiful. I was relieved he was here, i loved him so much allready, but i feared for him, for his health, the extent of his health issues. I was taken back to a room, a private room, the midwifes didn't want me with other women on the wards, the other women had their babies and what did i have? I had nothing. I was alone. No bump. No baby. I was all alone. I was finally reunited with my family,but i didn't want anyone,i didn't need them, i wanted my son, i needed him. we all sat there, i just remember having morphine and more morphine and more morphine, it seemed to hurt less that way, the feeling of emptyness and numbness still hurts, don't be fooled, it hurts a lot. Doctors came and spoke to us, all i could hear from her words were 'my baby isn't ok' 'my baby isn't here' the only question i wanted an answer to at that time was "When can i see my baby, when can this mother see her son?" well the answer to that was 3 hours later, 6 hours after Frankie arrived in the world he was bought to me, in an incubator, being pumped with drugs, he was tiny, a ting little dot, he looked like he was shivering, his little mouth quivered. At this point Frankie wasn't Frankie, he was a baby, a baby i loved so desperately, and needed so badly, a baby i had only seen for a few seconds, a baby i had not seen come into the world, a baby i had never kissed or held. a baby i had no memory of.
Frankie was christened, just like that, right there in the hospital, in my room, in the first moments i had seen him, my first ever moments i shall never get back. Frankie had suffered such severe brain damage he needing a treatment, one they didn't offer in Kings Lynn, they were taking him away, to London, to travel, travel miles and miles, alone, without me. I felt like my heart had been ripped out, they brought me my boy for literally minutes, of which i felt i shared him with everyone else in the room, to take him away from me to make a journey no one was sure he would make...but he did, his first hurdle in life, and this was the start of many more to come. This begun the story of Frankies stay in UCLA. A story i shall never forget. Just a small part of 'The story of Frankie'
Going into theatre with all those people in there petrified me, i wondered why so many people needed to be there, for one baby, now i know and coudldnt be more thankful. being put to sleep was terrifying, but it was over fast, 1, 2, 3, 4, and i was alseep. I slept, i slept for what seemed like and eternity, i havent had many anaesthetics so i wasnt sure how i would be effected, but as i woke, i woke alone, in a large room, with lots of machines, i wanted to move, but i couldn't, fear, pain, loneliness overwhelmed me.
For a moment i forgot who i was, where i was, why i was there, that i had a baby, that i had even been pregnant, that untill i was bought a photo, a photo of my son, my beautiful boy, covered in marks and scratches, wires and tubes, but he was still beautiful, oh so beautiful. I was relieved he was here, i loved him so much allready, but i feared for him, for his health, the extent of his health issues. I was taken back to a room, a private room, the midwifes didn't want me with other women on the wards, the other women had their babies and what did i have? I had nothing. I was alone. No bump. No baby. I was all alone. I was finally reunited with my family,but i didn't want anyone,i didn't need them, i wanted my son, i needed him. we all sat there, i just remember having morphine and more morphine and more morphine, it seemed to hurt less that way, the feeling of emptyness and numbness still hurts, don't be fooled, it hurts a lot. Doctors came and spoke to us, all i could hear from her words were 'my baby isn't ok' 'my baby isn't here' the only question i wanted an answer to at that time was "When can i see my baby, when can this mother see her son?" well the answer to that was 3 hours later, 6 hours after Frankie arrived in the world he was bought to me, in an incubator, being pumped with drugs, he was tiny, a ting little dot, he looked like he was shivering, his little mouth quivered. At this point Frankie wasn't Frankie, he was a baby, a baby i loved so desperately, and needed so badly, a baby i had only seen for a few seconds, a baby i had not seen come into the world, a baby i had never kissed or held. a baby i had no memory of.
Frankie was christened, just like that, right there in the hospital, in my room, in the first moments i had seen him, my first ever moments i shall never get back. Frankie had suffered such severe brain damage he needing a treatment, one they didn't offer in Kings Lynn, they were taking him away, to London, to travel, travel miles and miles, alone, without me. I felt like my heart had been ripped out, they brought me my boy for literally minutes, of which i felt i shared him with everyone else in the room, to take him away from me to make a journey no one was sure he would make...but he did, his first hurdle in life, and this was the start of many more to come. This begun the story of Frankies stay in UCLA. A story i shall never forget. Just a small part of 'The story of Frankie'
Your a inspiration to all Nat, both you and Brady such a strong family! xx
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